Forgiving yourself

After countless years, I've finally been forgiven for a decision I made which hurt that person deeply. It now boils down to being able to forgive myself, which is the hardest yet.

Being grateful

There comes a time in our lives when we reflect. Christmas is such a time. And I've come to realise that what I've not done enough in my life is be grateful for all the things I already have - a family, great friends, a good job, decent looks, education, a roof over my head, more than enough food on my plate, clothes, a car. But more often than not, I concentrate on the things I don't have, on the negative. Being grateful is arguably one of the most powerful and profound traits anyone could have. In fact, it is a trait everyone should have. Like myself, and for all those who constantly seek happiness, its actually within us. Look around you; there's good everywhere. Look around you and be grateful. Chances are you'll start to smile. 

If

How I've not come across this before is beyond me. Blunt. Poignant. Profound. The words of Rudyard Kipling.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Outgrowing the old

I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about how I feel I don't fit in with a certain group of friends and how I may have changed. I spoke about how I think I'm on an entirely different wavelength now; jokes that I would laugh at previously are somewhat offensive now. Crude comments that I used to let slide are now questioned. Generally, I feel I just don't get along as well as I used to with this group of friends. And so I asked my girlfriend if this was normal, if I have "outgrown" this group of friends. Mind you, all of the guys in the group are buddies I've known for at least 15 years, some longer. Some are guys I grew up with. But the question remains, have I outgrown them? Have I changed? Are these things a usual occurrence in life?

I then stumbled on this while looking for a jpeg to go with this post.

The theory of relativity

I'm not going to talk about Einstein's famous theory here, if that's what you're thinking. The relativity I'm referring to is our every day comparisons with all things that go on in our world, be it wealth, intelligence, beauty or just life in general. 

I used to have a career in investment banking. Broadly put, one of the fundamental skills required in investment banking or finance is one's ability to ascertain a value of an asset. One of the more common methods of doing so is to carry out a comparable analysis i.e. to benchmark an asset against other similar assets. Of course there are other technicalities involved, but I reckon you get the gist. 

Every day, we carry out our own comparable analysis. We log on to Facebook and see friends put up pics of a recent holiday, or declare their undying love for their partners, or speak of their new promotion. All these things make us compare them against what we have ourselves. For some, they're unperturbed. But many are affected by their apparent "shortcomings" after the almost automatic internal comparable analysis that has taken place. Why do we compare? Is there a need to compare? Do we really need some sort of justification/benchmark that our lives are better/worse than others? Are the lives of our friends really that much better or their postings merely mask what really goes on their lives? I read somewhere that a high percentage of Facebook users actually feel worse off about themselves after logging on.

The reason for this post is not about Facebook, but what I think of myself and how often I make comparisons of myself with others. I am still trying to figure out if these comparisons stem from the fact that I excelled very early on in life, especially through school and college, only to feel that I have progressively regressed since the start of my working life. To then see others, in particular those who were way "behind" me when I was excelling, being way ahead of me now, makes me question what went wrong, festers doubt in my abilities and has generally altered my once high self-esteem.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel though. I have a girlfriend who's anything like me. She lived most of her life doing only what she wanted to do and without a care in the world. She didn't care if the other girl was prettier or if her colleague had a nicer car. It was, by and large, what she thought of herself. She does not have a Facebook account. In fact, she dislikes social media. The only thing that matters to her are goals she sets for herself, and not any comparison of herself with another. She's successful, contented and most importantly...happy. 

Of self-belief and courage

Chasing dreams can create illusions. These illusions sometimes allow us to live in a world of false realities, where the notion of drive and passion trumps all. All we need is to hit a brick wall, one too many times, and the shield that the illusion once provided us cracks. A few more knocks along the way and this shield crumbles. However, our strength comes from belief, mostly...primarily in ourselves to rebuild our shields over and over again until our dreams are realised. It is unwavering self-belief and courage that carries us through. Fortune truly favours the bold.

My history of rambling

The last 7 posts are links to my other blog or should I say my shortly-lived attempt at a blog. I've not made a post there since August 2010. The idea of that blog was premised on a more serious interpretation of everyday experiences. But hey, not all experiences are serious right? Hence, I felt the scope of that blog was just too narrow and perhaps that eventually led to its premature demise. I then began working on this blog and kept the other with the idea of posting more serious thoughts there periodically. Eventually, I felt that a blog is what a blog is - an avenue for verbal diarrhea, be it serious, funny or down right sarcastic. Its expressive and meant to be liberating and having 'blog rules' was the antithesis of what my plans for a blog was. This blog then became my main and only blog for writing, and as the name suggests...to ramble away.

Correlations

The Curious Corium: The correlation between experience, instinct, regr...: This post is a tad serious but it has been something I have been thinking about for quite a while now. Bear with me, read the post and who...

Details in the Fabric

The Curious Corium: Details in the Fabric: What a brilliant song! You won't realise its depth unless you've listened to it a few times and pay close attention to its lyrics....

Change!

The Curious Corium: Change!: [Earlier this morning, @ 5.30 a.m.] Have you experienced this before? You're in deep sleep, probably in the REM cycle of your sl...

Random thoughts

The Curious Corium: Random thoughts: [An old post - July 30th, 2010]   Do we naturally have preferences when choosing a partner? Or are preferences something we inev...

Who am I?

The Curious Corium: Who am I?: [An old post - August '09] A nice cosy Saturday afternoon with crisp air and an overcast sky - an enchanting day to say the least. Oh...

Impromptu

The Curious Corium: Impromptu: [An old post - June '09] I'm in my reminiscing best - resulting in my need to speak out, to look for an avenue for "verba...

An old flame

The Curious Corium: An old flame: [An old post - January '09] You're working really hard on your paper/ assignment/ office work/ etc... you then decide to tak...

Being perplexed

A part of me feels like I've never really given my best in anything I've done. I wonder if this is true. On second thought, I do think its true. Giving my best is part of me wanting to change - changing from the complacent procrastinator that I am - to someone who gives a damn and takes action. However, that change can only manifest itself if there was a lot more doing and a lot less thinking. I've done the difficult bit though. The hardest part about change is being honest with yourself and being able to recognise and acknowledge the need for change. This I have done a while back. But why hasn't there been any change? Why do I feel that I'm regressing rather than progressing? This leaves me perplexed. 

This summer I've decided to give my all in two aspects of my life that I have control of - one being a career change and delving into what I'm passionate about and the other being my relationship with my girlfriend. Honestly, I think these are the two aspects of my life which I've invested a lot of time and effort in, or in other words, aspects in which I can safely say I have been giving and continue to give my best. 

Nonetheless, therein lies the problem. Why haven't I experienced success in my career change? Its disheartening. Here I am thinking, "Hey, you've never really given your best and that's probably the reason for your lack of achievements. Perhaps if you could just give your all, results will start to show." But I've not seen the results, at least not in my career change. My relationship with my girlfriend is good and stable as we have been able to negotiate the peaks and troughs. But its this career aspect, which I feel if not resolved soon enough, will  have a damaging effect on all the hard work my girlfriend and I have put into our relationship.

So just how will the issues with my career affect my relationship? Imagine you've had a hard day at work. This obviously affects your mood, your positivity and perhaps your general well-being. Now imagine if you've been having a hard day at work every day for the past 3 months? Well, you become generally unhappy and its unfortunate that the people around you will be affected as well. In my case, my girlfriend has taken it upon her that she's not doing enough to help me, which is not the case at all. In fact, she doesn't even need to help me because its not her issue to resolve. Yet, she's helped me in every way possible and anyone would be more than happy and grateful to have such a supportive partner. But the truth is, my currently unsuccessful stint at a career change is affecting her and us. Therefore, I am perplexed. I concentrate my efforts with the hope of a positive change but all seem to be unraveling before my eyes.

Our best years...

Sometimes we hit a plateau and remain in status quo until an externality forces us off the prevailing path. A plateau is not necessarily bad as it could simply mean we are weighing out our options for the next move. But stay too long on a single path and a plateau can easily turn into regression. This is when we become too comfortable in the state we're in; we become complacent, come up with excuses and try our best to actually not get out of the rut we're in. We become defensive and fail to acknowledge our deteriorating state of affairs. Often times its as simple as not wanting or failing to grow up! Sometimes its us refusing to wake up from an over-extended slumber. 

Nonetheless, if we are constantly aware of the state we're in, it'll only be a matter of time before we scale new heights. This is the breakout from resistance!

The key to this is to be always aware and acknowledge that changes for the better need to be made. Certainly changes may not happen overnight, but having the awareness is key, together with the belief that we could and should always strive to improve.

I was having a random conversation with a friend not too long ago, and I said in passing that "my best years are behind me." But she replied, with the sort of faith, belief and assurance that all of us should have, "No, your best years are yet to come."

Discovering Tumblr

I've always wanted to blog more frequently, but for some reason I've not been able do so. Therefore, its incomprehensible almost, that I've just started another blog, or rather a microblog, with Tumblr. Don't get me wrong, its not like I've never heard of Tumblr before, but it is only last week that I actually took the trouble to "play around" with what it had to offer and I like it. I was trying to figure out how my new Tumblr blog would differ from this and I concluded that this would remain what it was initially set out to be - an outlet for my thoughts, expressions and feelings - the blog that would allow me to write, and ramble on. Tumblr, on the other hand, would be a collage of sorts, of "stuff" that I come across from the digital world.

Re-living the 90s

Considering I was born in the '80s and discovered an appreciation for music only when I was in the '90s allows me to appreciate this article a whole lot more than any other reader who has not lived through the distinct and and somewhat eclectic music of the '90s. Perhaps some of you may not agree with the writer's choice of artists and song but some are pretty spot on. Judge for yourself!

Check out the link - the most '90s songs of the '90s

Risk and taking chances

"If there is no possibility of tremendous failure or loss, you can't have the upside."

"There is always a reason why you can't do something. But if deep inside you, its what you want very badly, you take chances. You measure opportunity and get where you want to go."

Being lost

A short note to myself, and to all those who are sometimes...lost.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Pick and choose

Options aplenty. But I could only pick one and make it count. I had to trust my instincts, what I've learnt from years of experience, and make a decision. 

The lesson: Observe. Reflect. Execute. 

The only constant

It all started in January 2005. Fast forward eight years, on 30 April 2013, I said goodbye to my banking career.

While it was almost always enriching and enthralling, there were many occasions when it was just plain tiring and frustrating. Ultimately, as my old man would say, all good things must come to an end. At this point, I'll be taking a break - not a long one - but a much needed respite nonetheless.

It was a while back when I decided that my career would take on a different path in the future, and that time has now come. After careful and thorough deliberation, I have decided that something different is what I need to hopefully propel me to the next level. I do admit though, I'm somewhat nervous and the fact that it may not work out as anticipated, is indeed daunting.

So here I am, back at the drawing board, putting together the final pieces to what may potentially be the puzzle of my life.

Why I love football

I love football. I'm not one of those crazy fans who support a particular football club blindly. I just love the game. Football gives me satisfaction. Football is therapeutic. I get lost in the game, and it allows me to be at my creative best and express myself. The pitch is the canvas, what I do on it, is art. Football is my escape; when I'm shut out from the world around me - be it people, work or damn technology. 

Football transcends race, religion and nationalities; its unifying traits apparent.

This is why I love football. This is why its called The Beautiful Game.

When things turn south

Cutting losses is hardest when the investment is not monetary in nature.

Inertia

Getting a moving object to stop can be difficult. Getting a stagnated person to move is harder yet.

Satisfied

Putting others ahead of oneself is tough - tougher yet when it becomes an everyday occurrence. Satisfying nonetheless.